Why Gay Men Are Lonely
And no, it’s not because they’re gay. And yes, there is a way to overcome this.
Despite the vibrancy of being a flaming homo, it’s a hard aesthetic to master in a world still beholden to straight values. We are pioneering multi-form relationships; they are still under the impression that one (opposite-sex) lover is the social norm. We are totally okay with fucking someone without knowing their name; they are still somehow stuck in the three bases of dating. And then there’s the ongoing battle between the sexes.
Lets face it, it’s hard to belong as an outsider in a world that is so… different.
Yes, I am saying that us gays are lonely because of the straight world we have been brought up to believe in. It perhaps explains why we are such outward creatures, desperately vying for attention through the “metaphor of party”, as comedian Hannah Gadsby once said.
Some people seek attention to prop up their drowning ego, but we seek attention to feel accepted. To feel normal. To feel a part of this world that we feel has abandoned us.
And yes, I can imagine you straight people are shouting that we have everything we could ever need in the western world. Marriage equality, the right to adopt, the absolute right to start a family with a white picket fence and a mortgage.
But we only just got this. As Ben Miller stated in Slate:
“It is, putting it gently, myopic to expect marriage equality alone to have solved… the mental health challenges of a generation of gay men raised in a cultural climate in which we were political punching bags and in the shadow of the AIDS epidemic.”
AIDS is just the tip of the “punching bag” iceberg, though.
In Australia, us gays have to live with the fact that 38.4% of our country didn’t want marriage equality in 2017. That’s 4,873,987 out of a population of just 25.69 million people. To be truly exact, that’s a quarter of the adult population over the age of 18.
In other words, one in four Australians don’t agree with marriage equality. One in five if you count the children, too, and that’s not all too improbable if you remember that much of those adults are looking after said children.
I can only imagine that this is pretty much reflected across other western countries.
Of course, I have to accept that not all those people who voted against marriage equality are bona fide homophobes. In my experience, I know a few who “hate the sin, not the sinner,” which is just a spiritual way of pretending you’re a good Christian. How can you hate something that I clearly cannot control? You might as well hate the fact that I can’t stomach tomatoes.
And then there are those who love gays but prefer conservatism. Whatever that means…
How can you feel popular as a gay man amongst such a tough crowd?
Of course, not being universally (or even vast majority) accepted is just part of the lonely gay puzzle.
We are so different in our cultural and social ways compared to straight people, and it’s enough to exacerbate that loneliness.
Grindr, the epitome of our sex lives, measures distance by the nearest metre. The only “dating” app to do so. Tinder, by comparison, measures by the nearest kilometre.
We cannot understand the straight man’s struggle with a bad date, mostly because our dates often come after the first sexual encounter. Or, even if it comes before, we tend to still have sex with them even if it was a bad date.
We can pick up a guy without even verbally talking to them. For straight guys, talking is a necessity.
We pick up men in parks late at night. Women avoid parks late at night.
The difference is noticeable when you really look at it. It’s no wonder so many of us are lonely, particularly those who subconsciously do not want to be part of this community. Who fight so hard to be straight.
Who abuse drugs and contemplate suicide.
But I want you to know that this is not your story.
Being gay is simply an attraction to the same sex, and that’s it. Whatever else you make of it is to your discretion.
You can be totally monogamous. You can have a total sex count that can be counted on just one hand. You can pretend to be part of the straight community if you so wish.
Or you could just be you.
The biggest problem in this world is how we strive to please others. To adhere to these things because it would make our parents happy, our friends happy, perhaps even our bosses happy. But what about you? What about your happiness?
Your happiness, in my opinion, is more important than anyone else in your life. It’s what keeps you plowing through this crazy world. It’s the antidote to a mind full of doubts, fears and negativity.
I can’t tell you to be happy; that is like telling a happy person to be sad. Being happy is not a destination, it’s a journey. Happiness is not forcing a smile, it’s playing Finding Nemo for the 100th time and still loving it. It’s losing yourself in a great story, only to realise that three hours has passed. It’s a flow state that comes from doing what you love.
Sometimes it pays to be a little selfish in this world.
Of course, be a monogamous gay if you wish… Date men with meaning rather than a destination. Use Tinder instead. But are you doing that because you want to, or because you feel you have to?
I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: Belonging is not about fitting in, it’s about standing out — by being you!
That’s because the true sense of belonging is not something you can achieve from others. It’s something you must achieve in yourself. Only you can feel that sense of belonging.
And yes, it is feasible to belong to yourself, even in a world that doesn’t feel accepting. All it takes is to accept who you are and to be who you are.
You may feel that the predicaments you find yourself — the unaccepting family, the homophobic friends — are a catastrophic nightmare that cannot be evaded. But, please believe me when I say this, there are people near you who do accept you. And if you don’t believe me, please know that I am one of them.
Just because you feel lonely in this world, it’s not your final story. You do have options.
The first is ensuring your own happiness.
You do you, boo.
