Snakes & Ladders

A Short Story…

Christopher Kelly


Image: Norbert Kundrak on Unsplash

There’s a tear in her stockings. A striking ladder in the midst of her barbie doll crotch. She only just realizes this before Amanda calls her onto the stage with her brawling masculine voice.

“Please make welcome — my sister from another mister — Stella Van Cartier!”

A double beat resounds the room. It’s the distinctive double beat that marks the beginning of Britney’s Oops… I Did It Again. Stella can feel the audience catching their breath as she raises her leg to the step, readying her cue. But then another tear rips through the second layer of her stockings — she’s wearing three to cover her naturally hairy legs.

It’s not that she’s lazy. It’s mostly because it’s winter. When she’s out of drag and presenting as William, her hairy legs keep her warm — that and shaved legs just don’t feel natural to her as a man.

She raises her other leg to the next step and now she can feel the air seeping into her left thigh. Those cheap stockings have broken through, revealing short brown wires where sheerness should be. And while you would think she’d be worried about revealing more than her talent, she knows that the show must go on. Also, who is she kidding? Despite her flawless makeup and costuming skills, everybody ought to know that she is a man in a dress.

The next double beat comes and it’s her time to shine. And just before she jumps in front of the crowd, she looks down to see the damage. She knew these stockings were too small for her, and clearly they are: her thigh looks like a bark-ridden log trying to escape the confines of cling film.

Thankfully her member is tucked tightly away or else there’d be a snake on the loose. Hairy legs are one thing to deal with, but a drag queen showcasing her genitals while serving Britney Spears realness is quite another.

She looks back up, just in time for her cue, where she leaps in front of the spotlight as the beat drops.

One thing any performer will tell you is how quickly time flies when you’re on stage. All you think about is the music and the moves and the bustling audience. You are in the zone! But Stella is full of adrenaline, mostly because she can see the audience glancing at her crotch. And they just don’t know how to…



Christopher Kelly

Just your friendly gay man setting the record straight.