Having Gay Sex Does Not Make You Gay
You’ve gotta do more than that to be gay…
Swiss psychologist Carl Gustav Jung once said: “You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.” And this is true, up to a point. You’re not a writer if you just say you’re a writer, you have to write. Of course, writers are not the only people in this world who write. Everybody writes on some level. From shopping lists to Facebook rants. But what distinguishes passionate writers from everyone else is their absolute infatuation with writing.
In saying that, those who don’t like writing could still write, they just won’t enjoy it as much as passionate writers.
The same can be said for being gay. A man having sex with the same sex is part and parcel of being gay, but what separates those who do it and those who are truly gay is the level of infatuation. I could have sex with another woman, but that will not make me straight. Even if I managed to climax, it still wouldn’t make me straight. This is because I am not attracted to women.
So What Does Make You Gay?
To answer this question, I spoke with Dr Joe Kort, a psychotherapist who specialises in sexology. According to Dr Kort, being gay is not something you do, it’s an identity. Only we get to decide if we’re gay.
“Usually there is an emotional, psychological, romantic and sexual interest in a person of the same sex as well as identifying with other gay men and the gay male community,” said Dr Kort.
Ultimately, being gay means you are attracted to the same sex, which is different to Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men.
“Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men do not have the same type of attraction to another man, nor do they fit into the gay male community. They are attracted to the behavior with a man, not the man.”
More specifically, as Dr Kort notes, men are more interested in transactional sex — where sex is treated as a physiological service rather than a romantic adventure. And this tends to arise in situations that afford it to happen. Think all boys boarding schools (or, for lesbian sex, all girls boarding schools), jails, military. Think post-breakup, or even a sexual opportunity.
The situation allows for it to happen.
“We also call this sexual fluidity. This means that there are random experiences that men and women can have that stray from their normal sexual attraction and activity.”
All this goes to show that what makes you gay is not necessarily what you do, but what you’re willing to accept. You may just be a straight man or woman who, in certain circumstances, is willing to have fun with the same sex.
Or you may be bisexual.
Or you may truly be gay.
But only you can answer this.
Are You Gay Or Just Having Gay Sex?
Dr Kort has helped many men navigate their sexuality. This is done through a set of questions that help men uncover their own truth.
The first question he asks is if they are homophobic.
“Most of the straight men who have sex with men are not homophobic. Gay and bisexual men are usually very homophobic if they’re struggling with their sexual orientation, so this is one thing that I ask to rule out or in whether or not they might be gay.
“The second question is useful noticing. Most gay and bisexual men have memories from their childhood of being attracted to other boys whereas Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men do not have that — all of their attractions are to girls throughout their childhood.
“The third question is called the beach test. When you’re on a beach to whom are you distracted? Straight men will always say women and gay men will always say other men. That the sexual attraction is to women even though they’re having sex with men.
“And the final question is who do you want to come home to and wake up next to? That indicates where they feel their sense of belonging and Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men always say women.”
Whether you’re gay, bi, or a straight man who likes to play with men, it’s all perfectly normal and natural. There are plenty of people out there who are also exactly like you. And don’t forget that who you have sex with is but a small fraction of what makes you an amazing human being.
To learn more about this topic, check out Dr Kort’s website straightguise.com, as well as his main website joekort.com
