COVID The Cockblocker: A Raunchy Rant On Casual Sex Celibacy In These Perilous Times
At least the STI rate will drop, unlike my libido!
Mature audiences only!
How can casual sex enthusiasts like myself deal with the decline in action? With generous hand workouts, of course! And perhaps a bit of sexting…Because, as many of us feel, Covid-19 is being a brutal cockblocker on casual sex.
According to Professor Mary-Louise McLaws via SBS, “it’s time to take a break” from casual sex.
“[Your casual sex partner] may not even know their risk factor as well as they should,” says Professor McLaws. “So just from an epidemiological perspective only, I’d be saying reduce your risk, and maybe just have a break from casual sex while COVID-19 is sadly on the trajectory upwards.”
Indeed, Professor McLaws does note that those with regular/exclusive sexual partners should be fine. You’re likelier to know if they’ve returned from overseas.
And not only are many of us self-isolating (mandatory or voluntarily), we’re also practising social distancing. There goes the famed missionary position… All that panting and climaxing is prone to spread something, even if it’s laughter.
So that’s a thumbs up for doggy style! I also recommend thrusting your orgasm face into your elbow when you climax. And if you’re on the receiving end, bite down on the pillow. You can’t be too careful…
I’m just thankful I’ve got a few regular partners to contend with. But even they are getting frigid! I blame the stigma of STI prevalence in the gay world. We think that the high prevalence is because we’re gay, but it’s actually because some of us are riskier than others, giving the rest a bad name. But we cannot hate them for it.
Gays aren’t the only ones dabbling in cheeky bum sex.
Look, all I just want is tantalising safe gay sex with one of my regulars. I’d opt to wear a face mask if it gets to that. Perhaps not a full-body latex suit, though… I’d rather use my flesh jack!
Huh! Perhaps that’s the best way to deal with your urges. By buying sensational sex toys.
Men should invest in flesh jacks — which are essentially fleshy silicon orifices that are ribbed, dotted or even smooth. Even some vibratory devices that can be placed on the perineum (or “gooch” for you immature buggers). Perhaps some nipple clamps if you’re that way inclined.
Women, if you haven’t already, or if you need some new vaginal ventures, invest in new phallic devices. Ones with french ticklers that warble and whirl and shiver. Give up men for a while — lord knows many of you need a break!
Pleasure yourself for the sake of mankind!
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