With lockdown restrictions easing across the world, it’s important to stay away from people. Who knows what you might catch!
So to help you practise social distancing, I’m sharing some ingenious tips of mine. Whether it’s dressing up like Karen or blasting annoying music, these are sure-fire ways to keep pesky people at a safe distance.
Side note: some of these may make you completely unlikeable
Wear a hoop skirt
Bring back 18th-century fashion with a full-size hoop skirt! Not only will people want to avoid you, but they will have to anyway. Another great thing about hoop skirts is you don’t have to wear any undergarments, affording you a rather discreet way to relieve yourself in the middle of a crowded park. It’s also perfect for men who like to dress up as ladies, requiring no need for tucking.
Eat beans daily
Beans, beans the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more toot! And with flatulence comes plenty of arm-flinging space, and perhaps some grimacing faces, too. But don’t mind them, your safe now. Safe in your fart-tastic bubble of gastric odour. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work on a windy day.
Talk loudly on the phone
Ever been on a train with some twat in the back corner oversharing their domestic issues? Notice how people avoid them? That’s some clever social distancing right there. And now you can do it too! Overshare your worldly troubles to everyone around you, whether at the back of the train or in-line at the grocery store. And remember: the nastier the subject, the better!
Stare intently at everyone
Is someone not adhering to your personal social-distancing space? Do you just hate the way they look? Or do you just despise everyone? Whatever your reason, stare at them all with intensity! It will make them uncomfortable and they’ll quite likely avoid you. And don’t bother responding to those who ask why you’re staring. Just bunch those eyebrows with furore!
Play annoying music
Remember Crazy Frog? Well, now it can be your go-to song for scaring away the general public! And if you need more, try these annoying songs. Of course, to truly make this effective you need to play it above a normal decibel range. So if you need some boost, buy a Bluetooth speaker! Warning: may cause outrage…
You might be misconstrued for a bum if you don’t shower, but who cares! It keeps the plague-ridden public away, which is exactly what we want. And let’s not forget the savings on your next water bill. Save those dollars, darling! However, I must say that not washing could lead to unwanted medical illnesses, so perhaps wash just enough times per week. How does that sound?
Adopt a “Karen” disguise
Won’t Karen be pissed when she learns that the hair salon is closed because of Covid? Fret not, because you can still cut your hair at home thanks to this YouTube video. And if you need help with colour, ask Brad Mondo. But you cannot just rely on a Karen disguise, you must act the part, too. I recommend practising the words “I want to see your manager!” in front of a mirror.
Become a writer
The loneliest profession is by far the safest in these social distancing days. And as a writer myself, I can attest to that fact. It’s so lonely that self-isolating is actually a real breeze. So if you’re on the verge of switching careers, why not give writing a go? It may very well save your life!
Learn the art of manspreading
Honestly, I don’t know why so many men do this when they’ve obviously got no package to give space to. Feminists consider it a power move, but I really just think he’s being a dick. And guess what? Now you can be a dick too by spreading your legs apart. For bonus points, act like an egotistical twat!
Dance in public like Maria
Who cares if you “accidentally” whack someone in the face. This is your life we’re talking about. So swing those arms as if you’re life depended on it! Whipper-snipper your way through crowded streets and do it in a carefree attitude just like Maria Von Trapp did. And if you really want to drive the point home, sing it aloud:
The Hiiiiilllls Are aliiiiiiive
with the sound of muuuuusiiic…
Originally published on The Gay Straight-Talker